Pro Evolution Soccer 5

Review - Martin isn't falling for Konami's tricks...

England have just thrashed Arsenal four nil. Lancashire have just echoed the Bible on the pitch by defeating the Goliath of British football Chelsea one nil. Football commentators across the country orgasm; their delight at the maniac chaos of it all finally becoming too much with which to cope. Has the world shifted on its axis? Has mankind altered reality? Is this a new era for the beautiful game? No. The situation is surprisingly simple to comprehend. All that has actually happened is that a jaded, classical music loving intellectual who spends more time with a mug of Earl Grey in his grasp than he ever spends with a cool pint of Carling, has forgotten to double check the instructions and - as a direct result of his failings - can't work out how to make his team score.

Now - to inject the faintest smidgen of political trouble and strife into proceedings - the USA will play China in 'Pro Evolution Soccer 5'. Reports of spy satellites are - according to the managers of both sides - pure speculation. If only the USSR were still available to play. The Open University still, in their geography programmes from the late eighties, insists that the Soviet block exists. Yet, here and now, the politically aware football fan is left without an outlet for his worldly concerns.

The goal celebrations leave a lot to be desired. For example, the USA's fans- echoing the snow white of their heroes' attire, look like demented monsters sketched into ski clothes; the baying, mad masses kept at bay by the flimsiest of barriers. One particular USA player follows his accuracy in the penalty area with an impression of the Incredible Hulk, arms jostling while remaining remarkably, un-naturally static. Claire Grogan's joyful nature is present within us all and just the tiniest garnish of Altered Images eccentricity would have gone down a treat between the goal posts. Instead, we are left with a game full of players with perfect faces and strikingly similar bodies. Welcome to the less than exciting battle between banality and ennui.

The commentary from Trevor Brooking and some other bloke - who always says his name at speed - often jars with the flow of play. Instead of commentating on the action, the commentators seem overly concerned with explaining the rules of the game at any given opportunity. When was the last time anyone heard Motson say with passion and gusto: "the ball has gone over the line. It's a throw-in"? The choice of teams available for selection is colourful, bizarre and, oddly enough, bizarrely limited. You can play as Arsenal, Chelsea or the dubious "West Midlands Blues". Yet, the majority of the teams from the English Premiership prove inaccessible to the player. The game's morbid fascination with memorial matches is neither humorous [as the makers of the game no doubt intended], nor touching. The player's excitement soon fades into a prepared response to complacency.

Soccer games on closes have always formed part of the bar entertainment scene. They provide the perfect opportunity for men to show off to one another without resorting to a tape measure and a darkened room. Playing the game at home, against the backdrop of a malting autumn evening, feels odd, disturbing and wrong. Indeed, cavorting on the fields of green laced with white on any other day but a Saturday may well be considered a sin.

Without the 'Gulliver desire' imbedded into their breeding, the player has no desire to manipulate his army of tiny men. The matchstick men are soon without a master as play becomes tedious. The tutorial levels patronise more than they instruct and the game possesses nothing which, when deployed to its full potential, will keep the player coming back for more. There's no opportunity to develop your skills on the soccer field and no dedicated attempt to keep the game as realistic as possible.

F.A bosses are currently in urgent, secret talks about how to revive the fortunes of the beautiful game. Attendance figures on match days are down and the money belts are being pulled ever tighter. The Premiership has become like Formula 1 racing. Nothing, besides money, makes the slightest bit of difference to proceedings. Skill, talent and dedication have been thrown out of the window and players are encouraged to behave badly for the tabloids. People are turning away from the turnstiles. Arrogant, greedy men's teams who betray their own promises to financially back women's football teams have ruined this year's welcome renaissance for women's football. In the midst of all this negative commotion, we are all supposed to fall about on the floor in fits of delight and express our appreciation at the arrival of yet another football computer game?

Once the novelty factor fades away, the cracks begin to appear. Despite what its title might suggest to the punter, this game refuses to allow for the evolution of your skills or your enjoyment. In the game, the player has the option to choose whether or not to play the second half of the match. The inclusion of this option is telling. The game gives you the option to abandon it so early on in the gestation of your appreciation. Abandon it you should. For, given time, it will abandon you and leave you with nothing but a feeling of growing disappointment.

25%

Editor's conclusion

The Editor sits back in his chair, offers a nervous cough. "Might I interject for one brief moment? Take a deep breath young Martin. You're not an Everton fan, are you? Here's my tuppence-worth: Mr Drury's monologue on the fifth game in the venerable Pro Evo series had me laughing so hard that despite the fact I disagreed with most of it felt it would be a creative travesty to make the clever chap slice and dice his prose. I therefore add my own thoughts on the game to the bottom of the review, hoping to offer an ever-so brief alternative take on Konami's latest. Yes, it is hard to score in Pro Evo 5, and the team names are a ridiculous state of affairs for what claims to be a triple-A title. That said, this is the beautiful game at its most raw, realistic and down-right lovable. The fact that the game is incredibly tough at times only serves to heighten your appreciation for the time the developers spent trying to faithfully digitalise the world's most popular sport. No one has come closer.

"FIFA may have slicker presentation than Liz Hurley, all the world's top teams and their players, it even has the tricks and dazzling goals in abundance. But it's all fluff, superficial filler which can be had all too readily - like that naughty girl at the school disco you really weren't interested in in the first place... everything about EA's rival offering is so much better forgotten. Martin's comments on the state of football are certainly right on the mark, but in this reviewer's opinion the pure footballing pleasure of Pro Evo 5 serves as a reminder of what it all should be about. Some fans of past iterations may not like the tweaks made here to a formula loved by so many, but evolution is inevitable and I think we're just about heading in the right direction. This is, as Ruud Gullit might say if anyone still cared, total football. Enjoy."

Editor's score:

90%